In this blog I've described actions and thoughts for managing situations when someone says "no" after you've invested time, energy, and maybe money in engaging with them. It is based on my 10 years as a business coach, and more recently as a commercial and neighbourhood mediator.
You've probably been there.
You want someone to agree with you, buy something, or do something, and they say "no"!
Sometimes it is simply "no" or something like "no way I can agree to this". Usually, it is a bit more subtle, like "I'll come back to you" or "let me think about it" or "I need to talk to my partner/accountant/family", or "I'm not sure" or "what about.......". If you're very unlucky they just ignore you. You get the picture.
They can say "no" in many different contexts: family, relationships, business, teams, sales, and not forgetting politics......
What are the consequences for you?
Your calculation on taking action to convert the "no" into a "yes" will depend on the impact a "no" will have on you. Aspects which will probably affect your thoughts include the importance of the issue to you, what happens if the issue is not resolved, and the relationship now and in the future with the other person.
Underpinning all this will be your emotional state. A lot will depend on your emotional capacity to deal with an issue. You might decide to give up as the cost emotionally to you to try to get a "yes" is simply too much.
Even in a relatively fact-driven dispute in a business environment, everyone is going to have some emotional capital tied up in it. At its simplest level will be feelings on who is right or wrong. At the other end of the scale, such as in families, emotions will run high. Either way, emotion can cloud what would otherwise be "rational" judgement.
There's a great book called "The Chimp Paradox" by Steve Peters. In it, he says the most powerful part of our brain, is the limbic system, which was developed when we running around the savannahs. He calls it the "chimp". It is all about basic instincts like fear, flight or fight. We cannot control or stop it, but we can manage it. When conflict arises, the chimp can take over and hence the potential for very heated exchanges and more, especially when two "chimps" go for it!.]
Taking action - go for it!
So, you've decided you will do something about this "no". What could you do?
You could go hammer and tongs -"you are wrong/can't you see the obvious benefits to you/what else can you do", "pay me now or else" and so on. You might get a result. The other person might be surprised (even scared!) at how strongly you feel and go along with you. They might have just been procrastinating, and decided that based on your outburst that OK, lets just get on with it. Or even see that you are indeed right.
What if the opposite happens? They fly into a rage, and before you know it, you are exchanging insults and in extreme cases talking about solicitors, or worse, "let's step outside and get this sorted"!
Taking action - with the other person
So you've decided to deal with the "no" and not to go the hammer and tongs route. What do you do? Below are 3 steps you can take, not necessarily in sequence, but to help you take actions and think through how to move that "no" to a "yes".
Keep Calm
Emotions might be flying around, the atmosphere is probably strained, and your own heart rate has gone through the roof.
At the very least, there may be a bit of tension.
Try to get it back down so that the "chimp" in both of you calms down, and a more ordered and sensible discussion can take place
Good tactics are "let's take a beak/have some tea", silence (always works), change topics.
You can adopt a "pleasant" demeanour, even smiling or cracking a joke if the atmosphere allows for that.
Time
Must you settle your "no" now, or can you defer it?
A great excuse is to offer to come back to the discussion later as you "have to look into things to check the facts", or "consult with someone".
The benefit of this approach is that it might take the sting out of any potential conflict and give you thinking time.
Even if you need to sort it out now, then ask for a pause or a short break, even the "cup of tea".
Breaking momentum, especially if it is not going well for you, is a great tactic and helps everyone take a step back.
BUT, make sure you continue/set a date/time!
Check Understanding
Are you sure you fully understand what the issues are, or more importantly, what matters to the other person? There are two actions you can take:
1) Summarise - what you have talked about, describe the issues, and check this out with the other person.
This process enables you both to develop a common understanding. Many causes of disputes are a failure to start from a common ground.
The other benefit is to help you focus on what the actual issues are .and the things which really matter. There might actually be things you agree on!
2) Questions will help you find out more about the other person's position (and buy you time to think):-
- tell me a bit more about XXXXX
- How important is this to you
- What are the consequences of XXXXXX.
More tips to get to that "yes".
Underpinning all this - try to think of the other person, not of yourself. Why? Because this will help you get what you want by directing your conversation and actions in terms and language that they can identify with. They will at the very least feel more comfortable, and appreciate that you are looking to understand their point of view, and so potentially more inclined to go along with you.
Your relationships - are you in a short-term transactional relationship with the other person, or is there a longer term relationship which you must maintain? This will be a key calculation to make in terms of how much energy/compromise/emotional capital you are prepared to invest in getting to "yes". There may come a point when it is just not worth it.
Language - is your style/use of words alien to the other person? Some people are very chatty and sociable, others want to stick to bullet points, and some want to know all the details. Are you responding appropriately to get on their wavelength? For more on this click here.